Holding On and Letting Go
by RT4ever
Summary: The season of miracles lets Jason see the day he could have had if only he had held on. A super soapy and packed full of Christmas impossibilities Brazen fic. Pt. 3 up. Story complete
1. Denial

AN: Short story actually already complete, but I'd at least reread this part several times when fully awake, so I'll post it now and hope it isn't horrid, and I'll fix up the rest tomorrow. BTW new laptop, latest Office program…Driving me insane! If hadn't been bad when I realized I couldn't find anything, now I realize I can no longer highlight with ease! (That rant needed to be said to someone, you guys got the honor)

Umm thanks for reading and Merry Christmas! (BTW I was totally going to do this super fluffy prompt that's on some GH LJ account….so did not happen. This is actually a blend of another story I wanted to do and too much YouTube time, but I'll rattle on about that once this is done).

* * *

**Holding On and Letting Go**

_December 24th 2009_

_11:43pm_

He could do nothing, but watch as she fell. As she plummeted downward off the third story balcony. He did not think in specifics. Did not think how cursed the holidays felt. Sam nearly not seeing last Christmas. Jake being kidnapped while everyone else prepared to give thanks. Georgie Jones failing to live to put on her elf costume just once more or even legally drink. His sister never got to spend a holiday with her fiancée and the child she loved as her own.

No, the only thought going through Jason Morgan's head as he saw the brown curls fly in front of her face as she flew back was _she could not die. He could not lose her. _

Everything else stopped except for the thought that _she could not die. _

Yet she continued to fall despite the fact that he ran as fast as he could to her, there was no time to even brush fingers as she fell back. Yet she screamed his name as he screamed hers.

He could see her eyes though the split second before she hit even with her hair in her face, brown wide eyes looked at him in petrifaction. The one thing he knew could NOT happen, she knew it would and peace did not find her as it did others.

They closed though the moment that her body made the awful connection with the dry earth. No snow like last year to cushion her blow, no shrubbery either. Just solid ground.

He could hear Anna Devane's short proclamation of, "Oh god," as he screamed her name again, willing her to open those brown eyes once more.

One of her kidnappers groaned next to him from the shot an overeager WSB agent had fired trying to stop his escape down the stairs he had nearly reached. That agent had failed to take into account that their hideaway was a new construction that had been abandoned because of the recession and was only half finished. There were several posts along the balcony, but no proper railing and any precautionary measures had fallen away over time. All it had taken was one simple push to send Brenda off the balcony.

Jason would have followed her over had instinct not made him grab onto a post.

Instead he flew down the stairs; he did not think about the fight that waged on above him. He did not think of joining in the chase for her captors that had already escaped into the woods or the firefight that roared in the house behind him. He did not think of how Sonny Corinthos needed to be stopped as innocent victims continued to pay for the wars he started. He did not even think to be furious with her for the act that had once more labeled her Sonny Corinthos' mistress making herself an easy target for those wanting to bend Sonny to their will.

All he could think was, _she couldn't be gone. _

Maybe it was finally the sole train of thought that had graced Jason Morgan with a miracle because she groaned as he slid to the earth beside her. "Brenda," he frantically spoke her name.

She groaned again.

"She's alive," he screamed, not to the heavens, but to someone, anyone that could help keep her that way.

Anna Devane's eyes flooded as she heard those words as she was halfway down the last flight of stairs, she had promised her daughter she would bring Brenda home that Emma's aunt would be there to see her open the mound of gifts that awaited her in the morning. She had promised herself that she would not allow the drug cartel, which had infiltrated Port Charles in the late summer through Zacchara and Corinthos connections, to spoil her daughter and granddaughter's perfect Christmas. She would not allow the woman, who had been there for her daughter all of the years she had not to perish because they had still not managed to bring down the crime syndicate that they had been battling since the 80's. Anna Devane knew that she had failed to keep her promise despite those two words. Brenda had fallen back, there had been to chance to land on her feet, the only chance she had of surviving such a fall. Flat on her back from even a story below would mean numerous internal and head injuries. Part of Anna wished that she had not heard those two words and the girl's end would be merciful.

Her hand went to her walkie talkie to radio for help when she heard, "You're going to be okay Brenda, it's going to be okay." Her heart shattered again, she had heard it from her daughter and from numerous contacts. Jason Morgan was not a liar. He did not make promises or claims he could not keep. The man was even responsible for transforming his 'business' into a nearly completely legitimate one, despite the fact that the Feds were still pissed at him for not turning informant and the Zaccharas kept trying to take his power. She realized he was still not lying, but that his heart had spoken and not his head.

She clicked the transceiver in her hand to order the medevac.

Her eyes were tightly clenched with the next short groan that emerged without her mouth opening.

"I know," he told her, "you just need to hang on."

Her eyes blearily opened as his hand softly touched her cheek, bloodshot and glassy, they looked at him weakly and desperately.

"You're going to be okay," he promised despite the fact that tears had filled his eyes.

She blinked and the tears flooded out as she gave a quick twitch of her lips in a disbelieving smile. "I knew," her eyes clenched shut along with her mouth with a wave of pain, "knew you'd come," she finished her whisper as she opened her eyes.

"Always," he promised. "I'm sorry I-"

She stopped him with a nearly missable shake of her head, just barely a tremor and closed eyes, "You came."

"Always," he repeated and he felt her fingers trying to find his as felt her thready pulse with his free hand. He gave up on the task and took her hand and once more looked at her as another wave of pain hit. "You just need to be strong Brenda, help will be here soon."

All she could give him was a weak placating smile.

"Please Brenda," he found himself begging.

She tightened her weak grasp on his hand as she gave him a tender smile.

"It's-" he began then stopped as he noticed a new focus to her face, laced with confusion.

He could make out, a "J-" as her mouth opened, but that was all as it was replaced with the gurgling of blood as terror flooded her face.

"We need that medevac here now," he screamed without turning back before he once more begged, "please just hang on Brenda."

-x-x-X-x-x-

"Let him go with her," she told the technician trying to deny the blood soaked man his final minutes with the woman he had so desperately tried to save. The crew member's mouth opened to argue with her, "He won't get in the way, I promise." _As if her promises meant anything._

The man nodded as Jason climbed in, "I'll call Robin," she nodded to him.

Jason followed it with a bellow of, "Why aren't we moving?"

She could barely hear Robert's yell over the sound of the helicopter taking off, but she finally turned for her name. Her shoulders crumpled forward and her jaw trembled just as he reached her. His focus was undone by the sight of his ex-wife, just as his pursuit of the man who had taken off into the woods had been undone by hearing the helicopter. The man who was now lying dead in the woods, Robert hadn't paused to radio it in before taking off in the direction of the house.

"How am I supposed to tell Robin," she crumpled entirely.

"Dear god who was it?" the Aussie asked as he caught her in his arms.

Her short cry was enough of an answer for him, Brenda, the only one whose slate was clean. Free of anything that could deserve such an end.

* * *

AN: If anyone was curious I was SOBBING my eyes out writing this. So um if it had that effect on anyone else, I'm sorry. I still miss being able to italicize and underline at the same time on this thing. PS if I repeated use the wrong spelling for a character and you're leaving a review could you mention it, new computer no dictionary full of fictional names yet. :-P


	2. Validation

-x-x-X-x-x-

_PCH Roof_

_Christmas Morning_

There was no litany of stats delivered as the helicopter landed on PCH to the seasoned dark haired trauma nurse and two Drake brothers, on call tonight so they could spend the next with Emma, just a loud, "She's crashing!"

Robin's cry of, "No," stopped her short of reaching Brenda. Her husband shot her a quick worried glance over his shoulder, but that didn't stop him from reaching his patient.

-x-x-X-x-x-

_ICU_

_4:17am_

He had no idea if his body was trembling on the outside as badly as it felt on the inside as he watched Robin being led away, inconsolable, by her husband still in his scrubs that contained traces of Brenda's blood, just as Jason's own attire did, because he had been so desperate to reach his wife. Robin could offer him no more than a look of despair before she had to look away.

His mother had emerged from the operating room to tell him that while they had stopped the major bleeds, she had coded once more. They had no choice, but to stop. Give her system a chance to stabilize before repairing anymore damage. Then she had said those words, 'Jason, you need to say goodbye.'

'You just-'

'That was the doctor, this is your mother, and I'd like to think Brenda's friend. The trauma was too severe. We were barely able to get her back Jason, Patrick was able to relieve the pressure on her brain, but-' her head shook.

'She's strong,' he told her.

'I know,' she nodded, 'and I think that Brenda making it this far is a testament to that. Most…' her words died off. 'I'm speaking as your mother Jason, you need to prepare yourself.'

He visibly shuddered as he approached her. She was a ghostly white despite the tan she'd acquired two weeks ago on a girls weekend to St. Barts with Robin, Maxie and Emma. Her head was bandaged leaving dark hair spilling out over the white crown. Yet she looked perfect, despite the fact that her body was failing her.

"You can't die," he whispered to her as he took her hand. ``

He sat for another moment just looking at her, "I don't know how to say goodbye to you."

A ragged breath in, "I don't know what I was supposed to have done. How I let them get you? Why I let Anna talk me out of going alone?" His head shook, "I'm sorry. I don't know how I didn't keep you safe."

"I…" a word trembled on the tip of his tongue, left unknown to him, it stayed there for a moment before he replaced it with the sentiment he had been repeating since she fell, "You can't die."

"Jason," a soft voice spoke from behind him. He turned to see a nurse looking compassionately at him. All of her seemed soft actually, the pale blonde hair with the gentle wave, tender blue eyes that seemed to look within him. It wouldn't take much imagination to see the light from above as a halo and replace her blue scrubs with a white dress and place her atop the tree in the waiting room. "You need to tell her," was all she followed his name up with.

"I can't say goodbye," he looked back at Brenda.

"You don't get a say in that Jason."

He turned back at the familiar nurse whose name he couldn't quite place.

"Besides there are more important things than goodbye."

"I-" he shook his head at the nurse.

"You got it with Alan," her voice so low it was almost a whisper.

"You?"

Her blue eyes started to gloss over, "You got it, but you didn't quite get it did you? I wish there were more chances, but…" her head shook. "You still need to tell her."

"Tell her what?"

"Why you don't want her to go," this time she did whisper.

"I-" another shake of his head.

"Why you kept her room for all of those years," she prompted at a decibel just slightly above her last.

He still couldn't say anything.

"Three chances," she shrugged, then bittersweetly smiled, "earth, moon and the stars they all lined up for you. Waiting for you to take the chance. Sometimes you need hold on, you need to come back. You need to fight for something. You should have gotten it after Alan."

"I…" the words still struggled within him. "Why are you doing this?" he found himself asking instead as something new started to tear him apart.

"I've been watching you," she said tenderly as her head tilted.

He smirked, "Like a stalker or let me guess guardian angel?" he was on the attack as his psyche threw up every defense mechanism it could, even ones rarely used.

"Like your sister," she replied without scorn.

"My sister is dead," he turned back to Brenda.

"I died," she offered. "In this hospital with our mother crying outside of my operating room. You were so young, I barely knew you, but that didn't mean I didn't love you."

"Dawn's dead," he said referring to Monica's daughter that had died years before he was born. He barely remembered the pictured shoved at him after his accident.

She chuckled, "Yea I was kinda there when it happened."

He didn't say anything to the lunatic behind him.

"You are so strong Jason, but you're still scared."

He was petrified actually. Afraid his mother and logic were right.

"You need to tell her," she repeated.

"I did," he had told her. Told her that she couldn't leave.

"I get that its hard Jason, especially now. It hasn't changed since you were a teenager-"

"I am not Jason Quartermaine," he quickly shot off.

"A name is a name Jason. Your soul doesn't change no matter what you label it. It doesn't matter that you don't remember; maybe that's why the universe gave you so many chances."

He gripped Brenda's hand tighter.

"It's a risk. You can risk something good, something safe to try for something more and it could all fall apart and you could end up with nothing," he could hear the tremble in her voice, "the risk is gone Jason and there are no more chances."

He remained silent.

"You didn't want her to leave when you said goodbye to her at the airport. It's why you kept her room the same."

He shook his head, "I wanted her to have someplace she could come back to. Feel safe."

"Why did you let her leave?" she questioned again.

"Jax left her, I loved Courtney-" there was a long list of reasons.

"Butterflies in the stomach," she offered on his love for Courtney, "anticipation? Passion? With Brenda you…"

He once more just stared at the unnatural shade of pink of Brenda's lips.

"You didn't want her to leave and you wanted her to come back," she filled in.

_When she said it like that…_Jason brushed off the thought before it could fully hit.

"You pushed her away when she came back," she supplied the details of Brenda's return last winter. "Sometimes letting go is the best thing, sometimes its right."

"I screwed up," he realized that the moment he found out she'd been taken as leverage against Sonny.

"It could have been different Jason," she said simply.

"I know," he whispered.

"What do you know?" she softly encouraged.

"It could have been…" he got a faraway look in his eye. He shook his head, "It could have been worse."

She shook her head; then turned his head to face, her fingers were soft as well, "You're strong and stubborn and you know what that feeling is that you can't say, you always felt it, even when you couldn't stand her. You felt something."

Tears welled up in two sets of blue eyes, "This moment could have been so different, if you'd just held on and you need to tell her that. You can't let this happen without that."

x-x-x-x-x-x-1-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_December 1993_

"Oh come on," Jason Quartermaine remarked with an eye roll as Brenda bounced back over to him in the department store.

"What?" she not-so-innocently questioned and they resumed walking.

"Do you have to flirt with every guy in the mall?"

"I would hardly-"

"Five guys Brenda," he quickly retorted.

"Been counting Jase?"

"Hard not to," he once rolled his eyes.

"I'd flirt with you, but we're like brother and sister."

"Brenda , I told you-"

"Right, right not sister," she raised a hand. "Did make it pretty clear I'm not supposed to flirt with you," she pointed out.

"You know Brenda, AJ's right this constant need for attention is going to get you in trouble one day."

That set her off when before it had been amusing her, "AJ has no idea what the hell he's talking about," she stopped walking and scowled at him.

He abruptly stopped as well, "No you know what I think AJ's onto something here aside from," he waved his pointer between them. "You're so desperate for someone to want you-"

"Desperate? Really I'm desperate now?" she scoffed.

"Yea," he nodded, "you are. You're also gorgeous and funny and caring and entirely too smart sometimes, and you don't see any of that. You're only as good as they make you feel."

"And you're making me feel great now," the tough girl had tears in her eyes.

"I'm sorry Brenda, I'm just trying to be a friend."

"A friend only though, right Jason?"

"What's so wrong with being a friend?" he loudly questioned in a hushed harsh whisper.

"You don't trust me to be anything more. You want me, I know you do," her voice was trembling, but she had been pushed there was no backing down.

"I like our friendship, there's no reason to mess with it."

"A mess. Because that's what I'd be right Jason? A mistake. A screw up? You know I'd fail at it just like everything else?" she furiously wiped away the tears that had fallen.

The tears undid him and he transferred the bags to a single hand as he cupped her cheek, "Our friendship means something to me. Risking it for-"

"It could be good too," she whispered looking up into his eyes, "maybe even better than that."

"I can't be some ploy to get back at Jagger," he honestly admitted.

"I told you I'm over that," she reminded.

"Or to stay in the house," he offered.

"Seems more like a surefire way to get kicked out," she countered.

"I'd never let them do that," he promised.

"We could be fun Jason," she prompted.

"After though," he shook his head.

"You're right," she nodded then turned out of his near embrace. "With my track-"

He pulled her back to him and dropped the packages, cupping the back of her head to pull her in for a kiss she couldn't escape.

"I'm gonna screw this up Jase," she said into his chest seconds after it had ended.

"No you won't," he promised as he held her tight to him.

"No trust me I will," she let out a short laugh.

"I won't let you," he swore holding on for dear life.

-x-x-X-x-x-

_Present Day _

"I'm going to lock her in her room until she's 40," Jason Quartermaine said pacing the length of his living room in his pajamas.

"Good luck with that," Brenda Quartermaine smirked.

He turned and glared at his wife, "You like her out with that…that…" his hand flared forward, "hoodlum?"

"Oh my god you're not becoming Alan, you're becoming Edward," she responded with wide eyes.

He started pointing at her then his hands flared out again in an attempt to shake it off. "Where the hell is she?"

"You called her three minutes ago."

"They could have been in an accident."

"She said she'd be home in ten," his wife quickly reminded.

He snapped, "Are you okay with our 14 year old daughter sneaking out of the house on Christmas Eve to go to a party?"

"Oh hell no, that kid's grounded till her birthday next month. Only reason it isn't going to be longer is I've spent months planning it and the deposits are non-refundable."

"He's a senior," Jason said collapsing on the couch next to Brenda, "you know what seniors want."

"Maybe he's a you," she patted his shoulder, refusing to allow him to see how upset she was, after all one of them had to be level headed.

He once more glared at her.

"I'm gonna go make sure Evan's door is shut before you wake him," she patted her husband on the thigh before standing.

Jason resumed pacing. He had the front door wide open before the car even pulled into the driveway. His daughter's blonde friend nervously waved at him from the driver's seat as he fumed that jerk hadn't driven his daughter home.

"Daddy," she began while still on the walkway, pushing back the long chestnut locks to look her father clear in the eye, her own having always resembled a stormy night, they had warned him right from the start what to expect from her.

He tried to garner the strength to not wake the whole neighborhood with his first words. That all changed when she took the step that left her close enough for him to realize her eyes were bloodshot and red rimmed, she had been crying recently. "Lils, what happened? What did he do to you?"

"He broke up with me," she sputtered as her father wrapped her tightly in his arms.

"Oh no Jason," Brenda said coming up behind them, "Lila Claire Quartermaine, you are not making puppy dog eyes at your dad to get out of this."

She pulled back from her father, "But he broke up with me," tears were freely falling.

"Oh baby," she pushed past her husband to comfort her daughter, "it's going to be okay. You're still grounded, but it's going to be okay," she said stroking her daughter's hair.

Feet came pounding down the stairs behind them in the house and soon the joyful whoop of "I freakin love Christmas," greeted them. "What are you guys doing outside," he questioned while standing in the doorway.

"We thought we heard Santa," his daughter sarcastically responded.

"What's wrong with you?" he nodded at his sister. "It's Christmas. Douche dump you?"

"Evan!" his mother quickly scolded.

"What," he shrugged, "he was, even Dad said so."

Jason shrugged back at his wife and daughter.

"So gifts guys?" Evan asked with a clap of his hands before rubbing them together in eager anticipation, pale blue eyes sparkling in the night as the porch light reflected the highlights in his brown floppy hair.

"Whatever dork," his older sister ruffled his hair as she walked by, "you better have gotten me something good this year."

"Santa does exist," Jason told his wife as their kids walked into the living room.

"Yea," Brenda responded with a laugh, "season of miracles your daughter got dumped."

"I would have preferred she do the dumping, but beggars can't be choosers," he said following her into the house.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-2-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_PC Airport_

_February 2003_

"Brenda," he said walking up from behind her.

"Oh my god go," she exclaimed rolling her eyes, "I swear Jason I have enough money to last until I'm 90."

"Not that," he said from next to her. "I changed my mind."

She looked at him questioningly.

"Not about staying with me, you definitely can't stay with me with Sonny and Carly across the hall. But you deserve happiness too and I think Port Charles makes you happy."

"You want me to stay in Port Charles?" she asked looking up at him.

"I think you want to stay in Port Charles and I don't think anything that Jax, or Sonny, or Carly says or does should change that."

"Leaving yourself out of the equation because you just told me to go and now you're telling me to stay," she teased.

"I'm telling you that you deserve to be happy too and one day you're going to figure out how to do that on your own without a guy involved and you need to start making decisions not based on them."

"Once more though," her lips twitched up, "that does not include you."

"Since when do you listen to me?" he shook his head obviously annoyed with himself for returning to her gate.

She simply smiled at him.

"So are you going to get on the plane or not?"

"Carly will be-"

"Leave me to deal with Sonny and Carly. Do you really want to let Jax run you out of town when you've spent the last month trying to put off marrying him?"

"I thought I wasn't supposed to make my decisions based upon any guy that wasn't you," she smirked.

"Brenda-" he began to threaten.

"Not," she announced with a simple shake of her head.

"I'm going to go stop them from loading your luggage and then I'll take you to the Quartermaines."

"Jason,"' she called his name.

He loudly sighed and turned with a petulant look on his face.

"You're a really good friend. Don't let me tell you otherwise," she gently smiled at him.

-x-x-X-x-x-

_Present Day_

The squall hit Jason Morgan, the same time as the hand, followed by, "Make it stop."

He had no quick retort for her as he struggled to sit up, let alone stand to round the bed to the bassinet on Brenda's side. "Impatient just like your mother aren't you Claire?" he teasingly scolded the newborn with bright blue eyes and fair hair.

"I heard that," Brenda mumbled into her pillow.

"You were supposed to," he smiled as he lifted the girl in the bright red sleep sack covered in reindeer.

"Okay you're not wet," he informed the two week old before him on the changing table, "you can't be hungry again," he said sealing her back into her pajamas.

"Stop Jason, not provide commentary," his sleep deprived spouse tried to hush him.

"You just need attention like your mother," he said scooping her up to him, "even at the most inopportune times."

"Yea you're not being inconvenienced for a very long time," her words still came out half mumbled as her face was pressed into the pillow.

He smiled as he tried swaying with his daughter.

A cry for "Mama" emerged from the white intercom on Jason's nightstand.

"I'm never sleeping again," she muttered as she pressed herself up on the bed.

Jason couldn't help, but laugh, weary as he was. He caught every other word of his son's attempt at a conversation with his mother, key words being: up, Christmas and gifts. Aside from the first the rest of them just barely resembled the actual word.

She groaned walking back into the room with the dark haired toddler on the hip, who appeared especially presentable in his bright red snowman pajamas versus his mother's attire of a black tee of Jason's that didn't cover much. "Back to bed everyone, gonna go back to sleep before Santa doesn't come because we're awake."

"I can be good," dark eyes swore at his mother, that tidbit having been burned into his memory the past month.

"I know you can Ethan, right now Santa wants you to be a good little boy and go back to sleep.

"Then Santa come?" he asked as his mother released him on the bed.

"That's right buddy," Jason said settling into bed still holding his daughter who wasn't fully asleep.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-3-x-x-x-x-x-x-

_June 2009_

"I know, I know," she announced walking into his office, "I'm not supposed to come visit you. It's not safe, blah blah blah," she announced with a toss of her hands and a shake of her head.

"Really is that all you hear? Blah blah blah? I tell you people close to me have a tendency of winding up seriously injured or worse and that's what you hear it as?"

"I don't see how it's any different than when we were married."

"Because the biggest threat then was your ex who was obsessed with you. "

"And he's dead," she announced with another head shake as she sank into the chair in front of him, "there was a really annoying trial for it and it turned out our lawyer did it?"

"Brenda, you don't understand with Sonny gone-"

She cocked her head to the side, a surefire sign that nothing was going to get through.

He sighed as he leaned forward.

"Jason your biggest worry is that someone would go after me thinking you'd reward them for getting me out of your hair."

"You were my wife Brenda."

"Oh please the entire town knows I forced you into that."

"You also stayed when I ordered you to go. You'd be happy somewhere with Jax now if you'd just listened to me."

"And you'd be in jail," she rolled her eyes at him, "and I'd be with Jax," she made a face.

"You stayed to protect me."

"Someone had to, you were being a stubborn ass," she shook her head at him.

"I'm asking you to let me do the same. Emily died because she was my sister Brenda."

"Emily died because insanity runs in the Alcazar family," she corrected.

"Brenda," he stood with fury, "if you won't stay away for yourself then stay away for me, how do you think I would feel if something happened to you because of me? Can you actually stop and think of someone else for a chance? If you can't do it for me what about Edward? Robin? Lois? Ned?"

"Low blow Jason."

"You didn't leave me with any other options," he shook his head as he paced.

"So what Jason," she asked in a small voice, "that's it. We're never going to be friends again? It takes us almost a decade to learn how to be friends, but now we can't?"

"It's the only option Brenda," he looked away.

"Okay then," she stood slowly and shook her head. "I won't bother you again." With her hand on the doorknob she spoke again, "It could be an accident though or a disease, wonder how you'd feel then. You deserve friends Jason; I hope you remember that one day." She opened the door and walked out, wiping away the tears in her eyes.

"Brenda," he called just as she reached the door to the street.

She turned back with bright eyes.

"What did you want to do?"

"Lunch?" she smiled.

"I'll be back in an hour Max," he nodded as he went to join her.

-x-x-X-x-x-

"I love Christmas," she announced walking back in from the bathroom with a gray throw wrapped around her.

"You love gifts," he amended.

"I do love gifts," she smiled as she touched the opulent gold and emerald necklace she wore. "This is really too much though," she said climbing onto the bed.

"But you love it," he once more amended.

"I do," she once more agreed with a smile and another touch. "How often can I wear it though?"

"You wanted a necklace for New Year's."

"A necklace," she smiled, "not the monetary equivalent of a house."

"I'm sure I could still get my money back," he offered.

"Don't even think about it," she smiled and leaned down to kiss him, sending a shower of dark curls to surround their faces.

He pulled her atop of him when they separated; she willingly went to straddle his body covered only by a sheet. "Are you ever going to take it off?"

"I'm thinking I get a good two weeks of being showy with it. I think it'll look great with jeans and a Van Halen tee shirt," she smiled leaning slightly forward with her hands on his chest.

"Who says I was talking about the necklace?" he asked with a smile as he tugged gently at the blanket around her.

"Come with me to Robin's tomorrow?" she asked.

"Is that a prerequisite to the blanket coming down?"

"No, but I think you'd have fun."

"With Mac Scorpio?"

"No with me, Spinelli, Robin and Emma. I bet you and Spinelli could show those boys a thing or two on the Wii. And Emma is getting so big, soon she'll be walking…"

Brenda got a wistful look on her face.

"Okay," he agreed.

"Okay?" she frowned at him.

"Was I supposed to say no?"

"Really? You'll go?" she continued to look at him in shock.

"If it means spending the day with you," he said with hands resting on her calves.

She smiled and untucked the blanket from her chest. "Good," she said after a long kiss, "because I promised Monica we'd stop by for dessert."

* * *

_More up soon. Hope you enjoyed those random happy little Brazen moments. _

**AN (totally random just me rambling): ** I loved Dawn. I barely remember her now, but I remember that little itty bitty kid that I was loved her and I loved Ned. First Ned was HOT (which as you should have noticed by now generally is how I pick my favorite actors). I used to have a couple tapes of her (along with other GH fave movements), but of course my sister trashed all of those the moment I left the house. Luckily a decade later there's YouTube and I can actually find scenes with her. Of course I only found those after I found Brenda and Jason scenes from RIGHT before Sonny came on the picture. ::Sigh:: If I'd only known how much I would HATE Sonny now. Um yea so actual point of all of this is this little fic is actually temporarily alliviating the desire to write two other fics (one of which had actually encouraged me to go hunting on YouTube). 1) A Jason going to heaven and Dawn being there to greet him (along with Lila, Sam and Jason's little girl...Seriously she was just so never Sonny's despite DNA) and warn him of his wicked ways and 2) Tramuatic (physically and mentally) event wipes out Brenda's memory of everything that came after (and including) meeting Sonny because you know Jason's head would explode with a teenage Brenda. And now I am done rambling.


	3. Acceptance

AN: Man this story is not getting love. A nice chunk are only opening the first chapter even with the second chapter posted. Oh and those of you who are still reading can you at least post why you don't like it. :-P You know so that way I could try to avoid that in the future.

* * *

-x-

-x-x-x-

-x-

_Present Day_

_Port Charles Hospital _

_4:39am _

"You need to tell her Jason," Dawn repeated.

"I can't lose her," he whispered.

"You see it now don't you? That feeling, that spark that was always there? She really gets you, accepts you, let's you accept yourself. It can be subtle. Just a little pull when she's around. How it just doesn't seem to work with anyone else, but she keeps popping back up? The world kept trying to show you each other. Not a lot of people find their other half. The one that just makes it work. You'll hate yourself if you let her go again without telling her."

"This could have been different," he murmured. _It could have been so very different. _

"The past is gone Jason, she's going to die and you're running out of time. It's your last chance little brother," she placed her hand on his shoulder. "Don't let it slip by again."

The gentle pressure of her hand on his shoulder disappeared and he knew she was gone from behind him.

"I think Brenda," he said softly as his voice trembled, "that we could have been great. I think that we could have loved each other and taken care of each other." He didn't wipe away the tears that fell, "I think I could have made you happy. And I don't know how it took me so long to understand that. And I'm sorry I pushed you away and I let you walk away. You pushed and you pushed, but you never really left. And I'm sorry that you had more faith in me than I had in myself."

He let out a shuddered breath, "You can't leave because I need you. You're the only one I can't stop loving and I don't even know how it happened. I'm sorry I never told you that I kept your room exactly the same. That I never really let you think that I actually wanted you home. I really did miss the cookies. And you taking the remote out of my hand; missed sharing meals with you, and how you could only grumble first thing in the morning. And no one else was ever you."

He tightened the grasp on her hand, "I really do love you and I'm sorry it took me so long to realize it."

He half expected her to wake up, but she didn't. He had unburdened his soul and he could only hope she had somehow heard it.

The scene stayed the same for long minutes and Jason willed her to live, until those awful monitors began to sound. "Please no," he whispered as he stared in despair at her still face.

"I need the crash cart," Matt Hunter ran towards them seconds later, "dammit," followed moments later, "she's bleeding out, we need the OR stat!"

Jason could hear Robin crying Brenda's name, but all he could do was watch his future slip away.

-x-x-X-x-x-

_Port Charles Hospital_

_ICU_

_11:27pm_

Jason Morgan held up his lone vigil beside Brenda's bed. Others had come and gone, Robin having only recently been talked by Epiphany into lying down in the on call room. Having refused all day the appeals of others to return home and spend Christmas with her daughter. 'This is not Christmas. My daughter will not have her Christmas be the day that Brenda died. I can't remember opening gifts and losing her every year.'

Because that was what was going to happen. They had all accepted the impossible; the young and vibrant Brenda Barrett was not going to survive. Two more surgeries had followed his proclamation. She had coded shortly past 9 that evening and Matt had suggested that it was time to stop. Jason had him quickly pinned against the wall, 'She isn't done fighting yet, you don't get to give up.'

He heard Sonny and Jax both try to get in, someone had always stopped them. He should have felt guilty that he was monopolizing her final time, but all he felt was anguish over the time he had wasted.

Then out of nowhere as she had been still for so many hours as his body was braced to hear that awful alarm again that would be followed by the monotonous tone signaling her fight was done, did he feel a gentle stroke along the side of his hand. It sent him flying slightly back and he looked up in time to see her eyes attempting to open.

"Brenda," he stood and leaned in close while still holding her hand. Her lids finally remained open and she pressed gently into his hand with her thumb. He watched though as the terror once more entered her eyes as she tried to speak her hand tried to lift to reach for her mouth, but it was too weak. "They had to intubate you, just try to relax."

He waited a few seconds for her to calm before he spoke, "I had a lot of time to sit here and think without you yammering in my ear," he smirked at her, her eyes twinkled back. "I thought about how you said you knew I'd come."

She squeezed his hand as best she could.

"And how I was almost too late."

She focused all of her energy into her thumb.

"I think I finally figured out how it is we appear normal to most."

Her eyes lifted in disbelief.

"You know this silence thing would probably be nice under other circumstances," he teased as he always did with her.

Her eyes once more rolled.

"We meet someone, we try to make it work and then it all falls apart. I told you in the airport when you left that you should just do what we did, but I finally realize Brenda it wasn't how we did it. It was that we did it together."

The expression in her eyes was guarded.

"I don't think it's ever going to work with anyone else and I'm sorry that I never told you that I kept your room exactly the same for you until Spinelli spilt soda over your comforter. I'm sorry that I let you think there was nothing to come back to because I think I was waiting for you. I'm sorry I didn't chase after you the day you came to my office and you asked me how I'd feel if I lost you to something that didn't have anything to do with me, but I just couldn't risk you." He looked away for a brief second in pain, "All I could think about when you fell was that you couldn't leave me."

She finally responded by pressing her thumb in once more.

"You have no idea how amazing that feels," he said wearily returning to his seat. His eyes once more closed, "I made a lot of mistakes Brenda, but- " he swallowed hard, "I want another chance." His eyes once more opened. Her eyes were glassy, but still guarded. He understood that, if anyone had told him prior to her being kidnapped, 'She's it for you,' he would have laughed.

"I think if we just took the chance, we could have everything we ever wanted," he told her. He held her gaze instead of speaking. He didn't know what else to say.

"Jason?" Robin hesitantly questioned interrupting the silence.

He looked up with a smile, "She's awake."

-x-x-X-x-x-

_Christmas 2009_

_(aka December 30th 2009)_

"Hey," Patrick exclaimed, "a little slower, you're dropping ornaments."

"If we go any slower," Matt countered as they walked the tree into Brenda's room, "we might as well have just planted a real one in the corner." He shook his head, "Anyway they're plastic."

"Isn't that the tree from the nurses' station?" Brenda asked from her bed.

"We're borrowing it for a little bit," Patrick confirmed.

"You stole a Christmas tree," she asked with wide eyes.

"Borrowed," Patrick corrected.

"Bobbie and Maxie distracted Epiphany for us," Matt smiled.

"I found the wayward ball," Spinelli came in holding a green ornament, "it was under a very unpleasant woman's wheelchair," he made a face as he walked in with his other arms laden with various fallen ornaments.

"Great," Patrick nodded. "So what do you think by the window or between the chairs?"

"Really want to block my only view of nature?" Brenda asked with a dry expression.

Matt turned and frowned, "What nature? I see gray skies?"

"There is the occasional bird and it rained last night," she defended.

"She is bedbound," Patrick nodded.

"Good point," Matt nodded and went to move the tree again.

"How are you feeling today Siren?" Spinelli questioned.

"Bored out of my mind," she responded with a smile.

"But happy to be alive," Jason amended walking into the room with his hands full of a box of hot chocolate.

"Figured that was a given," her hand desperately reached out for the chocolate as best she could, Jason smiled and handed her one.

"Hot chocolate already?" Matt paused in being a party guest and returned to being a doctor.

"Robin cleared her for a small cup," Patrick smiled.

"It was that or intubate her again," Jason added as he went to pull out his own cup.

"Hardy har har," Brenda mocked.

"Do you need any help with those?" Jason asked Spinelli as he watched the younger man trying to figure out how and where to put down the ornaments.

"No I," he went to lean forward to roll them onto the chair when the all went tumbling out of his grasp, "got it." He frowned.

"Hold on Spinelli, I'll help you," Maxie said in a sweet voice as she entered the room.

"One Christmas Princess arriving for duty," Robin announced walking into the room, with her daughter in front of her, so she could show off her red velvet Christmas outfit with lace trim.

"Oh there's my baby," Brenda quickly handed off her cocoa to Jason and made a grabbing motion with her hands for Emma.

"Hey," Matt ordered as Robin approached, "no messing up all of my hard work. I'm off today, I'm not going back into the OR."

Brenda frowned at him.

"Don't worry, Emma just wants to sit near her Auntie Bren," Robin innocently smiled at him.

"Yea you know, not too close," Jason nodded, "little kids have a lot of germs."

"My niece does not have germs," Maxie's head bobbed as she defended her precious Emma.

"I'm already in a hospital packed full of bacteria," Brenda pointed out, "if I'm going to-"

"Okay you know what as your doctor I'm ordering you to stop right now before you jinx yourself," Matt waved the nutcracker he was going to re-hang at his patient.

"Enough," Robin smiled, "Emma wants to get in her Auntie Bren time before her nap."

"You know we should really do the Wizard of Oz for next Halloween," Maxie declared as she picked up the last ornament. "We already Auntie Bren," she nodded at Brenda whose title was frequently mistaken for Auntie Em. And I mean Jason hello, Tin Man," she waved a hand at him. "And let's be honest I'd make the perfect Glenda."

Jason looked thoroughly un-amused as he always did when Maxie spoke.

"Matt's the scarecrow," she nodded at him.

"I'm the scarecrow?" he pointed at himself.

"Um yea," she shrugged, "you do understand English don't you?"

"If anyone should be the scarecrow it would be that one," he pointed at Spinelli as he fumbled with a ball.

"Nuh uh," Maxie defended and laid her hand on Spinelli's arm, "Spinelli is crazy smart."

"I'm a doctor," he said the word slowly. "I mean seriously," he pointed again as Spinelli dropped one of the ornaments in his hands trying to retrieve the one that had just fallen.

"You know what, since you think you're so smart and you know everything, you can be the man behind the curtain."

"Oh you mean the _Wizard_ of Oz," Matt retorted.

"Yea the little know it all that doesn't actually do anything to help and that way, no one would have to see your face all day."

"Oh don't act like you don't like seeing my face," his macho ego kicked in even more.

"You know I'm amazed you don't have a mirror dangling in front of your face like one of those carrots," she traced the air with her finger on front of her head where the stick, string and mirror would be.

Robin turned to Brenda with a laugh and a smile, "I think this may be the best Christmas yet."

"I think you're right," Brenda smiled back.

And as Robin smiled and cooed to Emma that her grandparents and Uncle would be here soon with all of her gifts making it truly the perfect Christmas she did fail to notice across the bed from her were two hands entwined and the unspoken promise was being made that this time they would not let go.

* * *

AN:

And my Brazen Christmas fic is done! And in time for Xmas! (seriously, that truly is a miracle)

I hope that those of you who stuck it out enjoyed it. I really enjoyed writing the middle part (oh and yea I'm totally aware it was so not broken up to the best of its potential, but I didn't want to post it in too many parts). Jason is totally out of character declaring his love, but hell it's Xmas! :-P

**Happy Holidays Everyone!**

_Thanks for reading! _


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